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j'ai deux amours

I wrote this at 10:57am on February 4th, 2013. I was either on my way to the Schwarzman building to do research for my PhD at the CUNY Graduate Center, or on my way to classes there. Shiv and I were engaged, I had just gotten my ring, I was in full wedding planning mode, Anna and I lived together still in the East 90s, the second avenue subway construction was hammering on endlessly, and the bottom hadn't yet fallen out--but was about t in a month's time--of Shiv's family.  The city is a hard and coarse being, Of glass and steel and concrete Made of what is jagged, heavy, cutting. It is hungry, demanding, always wanting more. Sometimes i feel like a bitter, indigestible thing in the city, the base of a celery stalk, stubborn cellulose to be chewed up and spat out, incompatible with the organic process of the city.   I'll leave, i say. I imagine gardenias on a balcony, air scented with  orange   blossom  and hot earth, and think, let them keep their cold, th
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compass

Is intuition another word for fate? If we are paying attention, do we know what path it is we are already meant to follow? Is it true what Thoreau said about walking--that when the sounds of the outside world are silenced we have an inner compass that will take us where we need to go? Is that fate, this inner compass? Is it the same compass that directs us in our choices in life?  "What is it that makes it so hard sometimes to determine whither we will walk? I believe that there is a subtile magnetism in Nature, which, if we unconsciously yield to it, will direct us aright. It is not indifferent to us which way we walk. There is a right way; but we are very liable from heedlessness and stupidity to take the wrong one. We would fain take that walk, never yet taken by us through this actual world, which is perfectly symbolical of the path which we love to travel in the interior and ideal world; and sometimes, no doubt, we find it difficult to choose our direction, because it does
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